What’s in a (First) Name?

One thing I have learned from my most dignified colleagues is that, in a school, first names are not to be thrown around lightly. It was in my fifth year of teaching that this finally struck me as a visceral truth. That was when a colleague called out to me by my first name while on a field trip. My spine crawled. This was not, by the way, the laid-back, after-lunch, early-afternoon portion of the trip. No, this was during the crucial get-everybody-in-line and let-them-know-you’re-serious part that comes at the beginning. But quite apart from this impropriety, what irked me was the fact that Mr. Jellybowl was no friend of mine in any case.

He was not trying to demonstrate any bond of friendship, of course. He was, rather, working with a different set of standards regarding the proper deployment of first names. Presumably, he was following the conventions of contemporary college-corporate nomenclature, which insist that you "call me by my first name." A professor of critical theory and a VP of marketing have this much in common: they are both willing to rob the tropes of friendship and informality in order to further their institutional ends. “My name is Mr. Stickfigure!” I reminded Mr. Jellybowl, sharply, in front of the kids. Back atcha, bastard.

But I will pay any bastard in education the respect of calling him or her Mister or Ms.

I don’t know no Joe or Naomi until we’ve broken bread or at least cut the bologna.